I’ve just snagged myself a leak from a whistleblower, every journalist’s dream! It’s caught on the line, now to pull it in… Heave! Heave!! Heave!!! GOT IT. Pulitzer Prize, here I come, baby! Now let’s see… Okay… mmhmm… inteeeresting. It seems I’ve gotten hold of a document written by one Alphonsus B.G. Teche. To the untrained eye (not mine of course), it seems like the nonsensical ramblings of a mad old man, but let’s take a closer look…
‘To the untrained eye, this may seem like the nonsensical ramblings of a mad old man but the situation, I’m afraid, is much graver’ – I KNEW IT! ‘Described herein is the catastrophic trajectory which has led to the end of mankind’s brief sojourn on this planet. Alas and alack, it will do no good to us now, but perhaps a scrap of newspaper floating through space following the earth’s obliteration will make its way into the hands of an environmentally-conscious alien or intergalactic sentient goo who might learn a thing or two from mankind’s terrible folly’.
‘I am an inventor, entrepreneur, and disruptor. For many years, I was a poor representative of my chosen profession. A lonely, unpleasant fellow, I lived by myself at the top of a tower in Silicon Valley, tinkering with my infernal machines. Unfortunately, I lacked any trace of the creative spark usually required for innovation, but I never let something like that stop me. In fact, my greatest invention was an amalgam of work I borrowed (or stole, as some cruel people later opined) from my colleagues and neighbours. The odd bit of code here or there, nothing major’.
Full column in this week’s Print & Digital Edition.
