Unless you’ve been living under a tennis racket covered with sliotars and hurls, then you are probably well aware that France will be taking on Portugal in the UEFA Euro 2016 final this Sunday.
For many of us (me included), interest in the tournament dwindled once Iceland and Wales were knocked out, and I watched the last few games in a fairly bored stupor at home on my own.
And during the recent France v Germany semi-final, my mind started to wander (I was struggling to stay awake during that game if I’m honest). I found myself thinking back to coverage of the German manager Jogi Löw having a good old rummage in his kacks, and then SNIFFING HIS FINGERS on live TV.
“I definitely wouldn’t shift him” came a thought unbidden to my mind – “he’s no Mr Löwer Löwer, that’s for sure.” (this made me giggle to myself).
“So who would I shift?” I wondered to myself…
As I watched the players through this new set of objectification goggles, I found my interest in the game had piqued. “The German keeper Neuer is a bit of a looker, if you like the classic German blonde-haired-blue-eyed look…” I mused. “Mario Gomez isn’t bad either I suppose. I’d probably shift him…” I pondered. “But Ozil would definitely not be my type”.
I suddenly remembered the old classic BBC Three show “Snog, Marry, Avoid”, where a picture of the looks-obsessed protagonist of each episode was shown with makeup and without makeup to unwitting members of the public, and they decided whether they would “snog, marry or avoid” him/her.
So I decided that this was going to be my modus operandi for watching the final games of the tournament.
And I’d like to share with you my top Snog, Marry, Avoid selections from each of the finalist teams, and encourage you to join in the tomfoolery by doing the same yourself on Sunday.
FRANCE
Snog: I’m going for the obvious choice here, but French forward Olivier Giroud is Male Model material in the looks department.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he practices Blue Steel in the mirror in the dressing rooms, or has spent years covering up the fact that he can’t turn left…
Marry: When you’re going to take the big leap and choose your life partner, you aren’t just going to go on looks, or money or any other superficial advantages. That’s why my Marry choice from the French team is their manager Didier Deschamps.
He’s gots the smarts, the quintessential French philosopher qualities and seems to command respect from the rest of the team. Perfect potential-father material 😉
Avoid: Dimitri Payet. Yes, he’s a good-looking lad. Yes, he scored the winning goal in the opener for the home side. Yes, he has worked hard to earn his place on the French squad.
But we don’t want to see water-works, do we ladies? Toughen up!
PORTUGAL
Snog: Despite the double ear-piercings and occasional (ok, regular) hairstyle faux-pas’s, Miguel Veloso is definitely my Snog choice for Portugal.
He is what I would have deemed a “stud muffin” in the early 90’s. Also, his girlfriend has a fringe, which means I might be in with a shot! #clutching #straws
Marry: Portuguese keeper Rui Patricio – I would definitely put a ring on it! Another fantastic all-rounder here that would make a perfect life companion – handsome, tall, safe hands and he looks great in yellow.
I feel a summer wedding coming on…
Avoid: Ronaldo. This lad is like Marmite – you either love him or hate him. According to popular media (and despite his reputation in other areas of his life and career) he has done a lot for underprivileged children, UNICEF and other decent and charitable works.
But I just couldn’t imagine nuzzling up to his lengthy Earthworm Jim neck, or getting my fingers embedded in his over-producted hair in a moment of passion. Jog on, sir!
