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I'm not a great television viewer. The schedules seem to be dominated by soaps and I'm not a lover of them. It seems to me there's enough relationship difficulties and other everyday challenges around without sitting down to watch manufactured conflict as entertainment. I know of course that they are hugely popular so who am I to argue with popular opinion? As long as I don't have to watch them.
Considering that they are supposed to employ plot-lines that mirror everyday life, it's amazing to me that in soap-land every wedding and every birth is attended by high drama. Brides and grooms are jilted at the altar with monotonous regularity and babies always arrive early in risk-filled circumstances. Or, having successfully negotiated the birthing process they invariably develop a life-threatening condition.
Even as those things go, was Alfie's marriage to Roxy Mitchell in Eastender's recently the shortest in history? Did it even last 24 hours? No, I wasn't watching. I was, unfortunately, party to a long discussion about it on a recent social occasion. So interminable was it that I felt the need to interject, explaining that it wasn't actually real life and therefore didn't need to be such a source of wonder.
In their battle against each other for ratings, the soaps ramp up the action for Christmas, guaranteeing viewers murder, untimely deaths, broken relationships and other doom-and-gloom scenarios as they settle down to relax and let the turkey digest with the help of a tin of Roses. Peace on earth how are you. Goodwill to all men - forget it.
Reality shows were supposed to offer an interesting study in human behaviour but they have moved far from being a study in anthropology to being an exploitative, manipulative forum for egocentrics to wallow in their narcissism. It's gone way beyond a genre too, with very many programmes these days have a 'reality' element about them, though the 'real' reality, if you will, is that they are pre-planned and scripted, contrived and orchestrated. So I don't watch them either. I really don't want to make anyone else famous for being famous.
I used to be a real news and current affairs junkie but my interest is waning in direct proportion to my growing cynicism. Jaded and jaundiced, I watch very little now. That just leaves the odd documentary or programme that catches my fancy.
There's one time of year though that I turn into an avid telly watcher, and that's at Christmas time. I love the films particularly. I check the schedules to see when my favourites are on and either plan my time accordingly or Sky+ them to enjoy in downtime.
For what it's worth, I've compiled my own top ten favourite films that I love to watch at Christmas. I make no apologies for the fact that almost all are incredibly schmaltzy. Sure what is Christmas but a pure schmaltz-fest? My Christmas viewing experience will be enhanced by being able to see, once again, one or more of the following:
1) Mary Poppins. I was blown away by this film as a child and have loved it every since. So much so that my daughter bought me the DVD of it. Five years ago. Yes, I know. I watch it in secret when there's no-one home. I even know all the songs.
2) It's A Wonderful Life. Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without the wonderful overacting of James Stewart as Bedford Fall's kind-hearted George Bailey.
3) White Christmas. Another old film with a real feelgood factor. It was a staple in our house growing up because my mother was a big Bing Crosby fan.
4) Moby Dick. Not a Christmas classic, I'll grant you, but an epic adventure film that I love watching in the quiet post-Christmas days. Gregory Peck is masterful in it.
5) Miracle on 34th Street. Another feelgood favourite. What's not to like?
The rest of my top ten are relatively new, by comparison. The oldest, I suppose is the animated classic The Snowman which was a firm favourite in our house every year when the children were small. We all loved it, though the kids used to beg me for days afterwards to cease and desist from singing 'We're Walking in the Air' falsetto, claiming it was cruel and unusual punishment.
7) Home Alone. Another one we used to watch together as a family though truth be told it used to make me quite stressed. I felt for Kevin's mam, trying desperately to be reunited with her small son. I agonised through her frantic attempts to get back home to him. And I cried every time she finally got there.
8) The Polar Express. I saw this computer-animated fantasy film starring Tom Hanks with my nieces and nephew a few years ago and loved it. It's a heart warming story with brilliant animation.
9) A Christmas Carol. Another computer-animated film, I watched this modern take on the classic Dickens story for the first time last year and knew straight away it was going to become a staple. Animation has come so far, and this is a magnificent example of the kind of magic it can create.
10) Another one I 'borrowed' my brother's children to go see. No animation but brilliant special effects made The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe a feast for the eyes. CS Lewis's story from his Chronicles of Narnia series loses none of its magic, I think in transferring to the big screen.
I took those same nieces and nephew to the cinema at the weekend, to see the new Disney movie 'Frozen'. Saccharine it is, the story is loosely based on the fairytale 'The Ice Queen.' It is especially stunning if you see it in 3D, as we did. It also has plenty of humour and one particularly catchy song. A new favourite.
When I was a child we waited in anticipation for my mother to buy the special editions of the RTE and the ITV guide each Christmas so we could see what was scheduled. We'd mark off what we wanted to see and get our spake in, well in advance. It was never guaranteed though.
In those preSky+ days, the arrival for a visit of either of our uncles, who both imbibed with particular fervour at Christmas, would put paid to our viewing as my mother would promptly turn off the television to make them tea, served with a glass of whiskey alongside, and sit and talk with them.
On the plus side, their generosity of spirit rose exponentially with the amount of spirits they consumed and, before leaving, they'd ply us with coins. Those my mother didn't commandeer, that is the higher value coins, we used for trips to the cinema, better still than home viewing.
The different stations used to announce their Christmas line-up with great fanfare but with so much choice around and so many ways to watch films these days, we're a lot less easily impressed. RTE is boasting Pirates of the Caribbean and Shrek but are promising some classics too, in between the murder, mayhem, heartbreak, tragedy and foul deeds that will surely mark Christmas in Albert Square, Coronation Street and Emmerdale.
But what if soap writers changed the format this year? What if the quessential baddies; Tracey in Corrie or Michael in Eastenders or Cain in Emmerdale, were transferred into latter day George Baileys? Or even reformed Scrooges? Now that'd be worth seeing!
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